posts tagged "personal"

The Weight of Love Blinds Eyes

My feelings for you right now are so conflicting. I know I’ve been denying the truth about you this entire time…yet for some stupid reason I still have some glimmer of hope that none of it’s true. Honestly, I know that I’m stupid for saying this, but I can’t seem to stay mad at you even though I know I should. I know that I shouldn’t be thinking about you, or even considering whether I should talk to you again…but I guess I’m just too afraid to let you go. I’m too scared to lose you, and just completely remove you from my life. I feel so torn. Forcing myself to ignore you, and not talk to you is supposed to be for my own good, but instead it’s just driving me insane. In my heart all of the good times still continue to out-weigh the bad, yet at the same time I do acknowledge how much shit you’ve drug me through by trying to stay apart of your life. I know that everyone is just going to be disappointed if I decide to keep you around, but at the same to time I need to do what’s going to make me happy. I was sad for far too long, especially when you weren’t in my life, and I definitely don’t want to relive those times once more. I just hope that whichever decision I decide to make, that I end up making the right one with no regrets.

You don’t understand how much this still continues to tear me apart inside. It’s already been a few months and I can’t seem to get the thought of you out of my head. Honestly, I hate myself. I hate myself for a lot of reasons. I hate myself for liking you, and trusting you. And I also hate myself for ever standing up for myself, confronting you and letting you slip away. I should have just kept my mouth shut, and never said anything. If I never would have spoken my mind I wouldn’t be sitting here on the floor of my room at midnight on the verge of tears typing this stupid shit out about how horribly pathetic I am and how much I miss you.

I guess I just feel like I’m stuck. I’m stuck between trying to forget about you, and/or wondering if I should apologize to see If I can fix this mess I’ve created for myself. And yet for some reason I’m incapable of doing either, but I think that’s because neither of these ideas may be possible for me to do… For one, I am completely hopeless at attempting to forget your existence because you’ve stained my thoughts with so many endearing memories. And two, If I did apologize who knows if you would even be even willing to accept it. And if you did, I just feel like nothing would be the same because apologizing when you’re older doesn’t fix anything like it did when you were a child. Everything is so much more complicated and difficult when you’re an adult. And you know what? IT SUCKS. You know what else sucks? Being in this god damn shitty situation. fhdsafjlkdsaflisajf.

My parents see me as their ideal “perfect” child, but little do they know that I am emotionally fucked up and I am quickly making a mess of my life. Sorry to have let you down.

God dammit, just let me come over and crawl under your covers. You don’t have to love me; all I want is to just be near you. 

Viola Lion

In my mind I pretend that everything is okay when I know in reality it’s really not. I imagine that I will see you again, and you will fall for me just as I have fallen for you. And in my mind I think about how perfect everything would be with you in the future, and how my hopeless romanticism will come to life. But in my mind, I also know that these are only futile thoughts to get me by, because I know deep down that I am just a fool for you.

Can you fall asleep holding me in your arms one more time, just so I know this is real? 

I Still Feel Him: Part I

I feel so foolish saying this, but no one could ever know who happy I am to have you back in my life. And with things going this sweet, I don’t want anything to get in my way and destroy this polished “friendship” we have going. Now that I am older, I’ve realized that I need to be honest and show you who I really am, and just hope you can accept me for me. When I was younger all I wanted to do was impress you  by putting on a “cool” facade by packing on the makeup, wearing tight skimpy clothes, and strutting around in too high of heels for a seventeen year old to be wearing. Simply, I had the appearance of a whore, and I thought dressing like your ex was going to get me a place in heart, and a spot on your mind.

Looking back on it all, I am aware now that I was naive and an over all idiot for even thinking you would ever respect me for doing that. And in all honesty, I am ashamed of myself. I should have known that being someone you’re not would never, and will never, get people to fall for you. I’m not a party whore, and I’m not in any way shape or form trying to be a recreation of your ex. I’m a girl with green and blue hair with gauges in my ears, my dog is the current love of my life, I adore Hello Kitty, and enjoy talking like Lumpy Space Princess. I am willing to admit now that I am a complete and total dork and weirdo, and you know what? I am perfectly alright with that. I’m ready to show you all of that now. It might surprise you, it might shock you. You may love it, or you may hate it. And if you aren’t willing to accept it, then at least I can say I was honest and I tried. I’m hoping for the best, and expecting the worst. But all I can do for now, is try to be patient and see where this road takes me. 

The first time we met
Your face became etched
In my mind

You were the sun
I was the one
Who worshiped you.
My hands were your guns
Your eyes were my muse.

And I knew you could never love me
I had so much sorrow inside
You could never reach
But can I still keep
A place in your heart?

Talking about this d00d we know...again.

Me: If you see him are you gonna talk to him?
Jessica: I dunno. Hot guys make me shy :/ what do i even say?
Me: Hey sexy thang, remember meee? Bahahaha
Jessica: Hahaha. Oh yeah. That'd work!
Me: Then he'd be like "ohhh bby!" and feelin your b00bz in no time!
Jessica: Hahaha. oh good lord.
Me: Does that sound familiar?
Jessica: I feel like I said that to you once.
Me: Hahahaha Yeah you did! and it was about him too!

Broken VS. The Way We Were Born

You know what’s sad? When you pity for yourself for can’t even accepting the truth. It seems like for the past few years someone has always found a way to hurt me, and leave me abandoned. Someone has always found a way to use me, lie to me, or screw me over. And now that someone that may actually like me wants my attention I don’t know how to react. I feel like I’m so fucked up in the head I can’t even think straight. Constant worry is running through my thoughts to not take anything they say seriously, and to not get attached because I feel as though they’re just going to walk away in the end like everyone else did. I’ve become so used to being on my own that the thought of actually being in a relationship almost scares me. I don’t want to play the victim. I don’t want to feel bad for myself anymore. I just want to feel normal.

We Change, We Wait

Two years now since I met you,
And I just can’t forget about you.
You don’t know what you do to me,
Oh you don’t know what you’re doing to me.
And baby I’m not lost,
I’m just a little confused on what to do.
And it’s all on me,
Oh it’s not you, why can’t you see? 

With Ears To See And Eyes To Hear

Falling over, and over again
From all the words that you have said
It written on my heart for everyone to see
From the place I was, to the place I am,
to the place I want to be
For the mountains I’ve been climbing over
and under and over

So tell me how does it feel
How does it feel to be like you?
I think your mouth should be quiet
Cause it never tells the truth now,
So tell me, so tell me why,
Why does it have to be this way?
Why can’t things ever change?